We’re Joining Up!
One of the only sources of stress in our otherwise stress-free wedding planning process has been the question of “who is going to marry us?” Originally, my thought was “I’ll call the rabbi who has been a part of every important life cycle event in my family since I was six years old––he’ll marry us, no doubt!” The Rabbi performed my sister’s naming, my consecration, my sister’s Bat Mitzvah, and my grandmother’s funeral. When I called though, he told me he was retiring and moving across the country. Oy.
I asked everyone I knew if they knew of rabbi that could marry us. Their reply? “Well, only if you join our synagogue.” My fiancé and I weren’t about to join a synagogue an hour away and pay $3,000 a year in dues just to be assured a Rabbi for our wedding though.
I called one rabbi, completely desperate and crying because every independent rabbi we found was charging upwards of $1,200 for a 25 minute ceremony in addition to us having to pay their per-plate charge for the reception! The rabbi gave me a couple of other names and numbers to call. After I hung up the phone, my fiancé suggested that we contact the temple just up the road from us before calling the other rabbis on the list.
Fast forward a couple weeks. I called my fiancé after work like I always do, and he didn’t answer his phone. That usually means one of two things: he’s on the phone with his mom, or his phone is on vibrate and he doesn’t hear it ring. He called me back a few minutes later though and said “GUESS WHAT?!”
Apparently, he’d been playing phone tag with the new rabbi from the synagogue up the street. The old rabbi is taking a new position elsewhere, and this new rabbi is taking over in July–so we will, as of right now, be his very first wedding! We really liked the synagogue to boot, and decided to join after visiting and touring! It was right under our noses the entire time.
I’m quite excited, as joining a synagogue somehow seems more “grown up” than getting engaged even did! Maybe it had something to do with wandering around the synagogue and looking at the classrooms, imagining that some day our children will one day study there, or maybe it was the realization that we are indeed getting married!
1 comment
Mazel Tov!
I am so sorry to hear that you had such a terrible time finding a Rabbi. I happen to be an independent Rabbi and I have heard of others charging over $1,000.00. I could never do such. A couple is not obligated to invite the Rabbi to the reception, though it is a nice gesture. However, if the couple has a nice connection with the Rabbi depending how many meetings were scheduled, emails and telephone calls, it is only fitting to invite he/she to celebrate your joyous Simcha.
Independent Rabbis made choices to not to be a pulpit Rabbi for various reasons. I am blessed and thankful for synagogue life. If it was not for the Reform Movements synagogues, today, I would not be in the position by having a choice.
Pulpit Rabbi vs. Independent Rabbi:
A pulpit Rabbi has a contract with a steady income from congregant memberships. So called fringe benefits includes the Rabbi to officiate your wedding ceremony when a member. It is customary to make a donation to the Rabbi’s Discretionary Fund. That fund allows the Rabbi to use those funds to assist others in need as his/her discretion. Look at it this way, you have a joyous Simcha, and as Jews we are obligated to perform Mitzvot. You are assisting someone who may not be able to afford day to day living, let alone a Simcha.
Compared to an independent Rabbi’s income, is not steady, thus an honorarium (fee for service) is created. You will know right away if an independent Rabbi is the right one by your first conversation. I personally schedule no obligation telephone meetings. This allows me to share all that I offer a couple leading up to their wedding day ceremony and answer the couple’s questions.
I have the honor to officiate many Jewish weddings for couples and kept the connection even after the wedding day. Couples and their families make choices as well to belong to a congregation or not. When they don’t, they know they can still call upon me. The best of all, we make plans to get together and share a meal and good conversation. Social networking keeps the connection going as well. This Rabbi is on Facebook.
Word to the wise, most independent Rabbis does travel from out of state. If a couple’s budget can cover the customary travel arrangements and the honorarium for the ceremony, then always know there should never be a problem finding a Rabbi.
Finding the right Rabbi may take a little effort, but with the internet, you can now find Rabbi’s more easily. Sometimes you just need to search outside the box or outside your geographically area.
All the best to you both and all those couples planning their Simcha.
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